I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drake has all the answers
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
