Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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