the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
