drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
