All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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