why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
