I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
