If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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