dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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