Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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