You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
