I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
