I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
