She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
