ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
