im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
