i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
