Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
