After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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