I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't turn off my feet"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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