When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
