there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
