Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish you could order shots online.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
