So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
