How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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