why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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