maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
