I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
