I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
