my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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