if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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