I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
