I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think my moral compass just broke
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