I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Enjoy the penises
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
