We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
