who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
