...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
