Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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