I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can't talk, ducks in the car
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
