Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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