He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
