just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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