you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
