every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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