I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
