My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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