I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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