You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
