She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
