I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
