life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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