I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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