We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
