I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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